Looking Forward/Looking Back

About 10 years ago, a co-worker introduced me to Groovelily, a band that was performing live at a local venue.  I quite enjoyed their quirky pop style, imaginative combinations of jazz/blues/folk/rock, and thoughtful, meaningful lyrics.  I went to several of their shows and listened to their albums nearly incessantly for about a year.

About the same time, my future husband was making plans to move East so we would no longer be a bi-costal couple.  Groovelily's song Looking Forward/Looking Back became my anthem of the fall/winter of 2002-2003, while our visits were at the whim of our work schedules and cheap airfare options.  The lyrics describe the pain, anguish, and jealousy the singer experienced during the year that his love was touring the country--sometimes with him, sometimes without him.  He was "Looking Forward to Looking Back" on that year.  I, too, couldn't wait to be Looking Back on my time apart from my future husband.

The Champagne Sisters First Bottle: Looking Forward to Looking Back

The day before my mastectomy, my Champagne Sister and I had our very first bottle of champagne together.  She was not even a full year away from her surgery, so her memory was very fresh.  In addition to being generally sympathetic, supportive, and helping me get my pre-surgical buzz on, she gave me her many tips on what to wear after surgery, what to ask for at the hospital, and even shared one of her comfy post-surgical bras to help deal with post surgical pain.

During our visit, we debated which was worse: being anxious about a future procedure while not being in any physical pain, or dealing with post-surgical pain, but knowing it's over.  We both decided that we'd rather be looking at our surgery in the rear view mirror, post-surgical pain and all, rather than dealing with the anticipation of the procedure.  In other words, we would prefer to be Looking Back.  That became the theme of our visit: we decided another bottle of champagne would be in order after I'd recovered from my surgery to celebrate Looking Back.

The Surgical Experience: Most Definitely Looking Forward to Looking Back

This proved true for my most recent surgical experience--my right mastectomy.  Due to a series of uncontrollable issues, my 4 pm surgery was pushed back to 8pm, but not until I was at the hospital, hooked up to the IV and doning my fabulously fashionable hospital gown.  As the hours ticked by, my anxiety ratcheted up, until finally, the anesthesiologist gave me Versed, a miracle drug that takes away anxiety, fear, and even impairs short-term memory (which is a good thing when you're about to have parts of your body removed...)  Believe me, waiting on surgery in the hospital is one of those moments you want to forget--bring on the amnesia-inducing medications, please!

I was so incredibly relieved when I woke up post surgery.  I knew that the healing was beginning that very minute.  While the next 10 days were less than pleasant, I knew they'd pass quickly and I'd soon be on the other side, Looking Back on the experience.  I decided that there's nothing enjoyable or redeeming about anticipating surgery.  Oh yes, Looking Forward to Looking Back was the way to go!

Then Came the Cancer Diagnosis, Part Tres...

...and all at once, my mastectomy that was supposed to be preventative turned out to be a life saving procedure and I was again thrust into the world of oncology.  Surgery is a one shot deal--go in, have your procedure, and recover.  Oncology involves several months of treatments, consultations and follow-ups.  Cancer is a tenacious beast, and killing it takes time.

Surgery is a milestone event: oncology is a journey.

Assuming all goes as planned, I'll be through with treatments and happily moving through remission to cure in about 6 months.  Am I ever Looking Forward to Looking Back!

But here's the thing: when we're going through a difficult spell, it is sometimes tempting to focus on the end-game to the exclusion of the journey, especially when the journey is uncomfortable.  Ultimately, we are changed by difficult experiences, but do we pay attention to the change as it's taking place?  Or do we focus so much on Looking Forward to Looking Back that we miss the valuable life lesson on our own change as it takes place?

Personal growth doesn't always come easy--it's usually slow and often wrought in struggle and even pain.  Don't get me wrong--there's nothing wrong with focusing on the finish line and keeping your eyes on the prize, whatever race you are running!  But paying attention to the change as it happens is a gift that's worth its weight in gold.  The prize is not just finishing the race and Looking Back: it's a window into the evolution our our soul.  Don't miss it!

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By the way--if you want to hear the awesome song Looking Forward/Looking Back by Groovelily, you can check it out right here.