"What Can I Do?" A Primer for Family and Friends of Cancer Patients

I need to start off by talking about that title.  It is enormously hard to type the words "cancer patient" in reference to myself.  In my mind, the cancer is gone.  They are treating me for cancer, though, so that makes me a cancer patient.  I'm going to own it.

When we hear that a friend or family member is a going through any tragedy, our natural reaction is to say, "What can I do to help?"  And we really really mean it!  How, though, do we translate our words into actions?

I'm still a student of health issues--a doctoral student, perhaps, but still a student, and I'm still learning how to play the role of "patient."  Even with all my experience, my answer to the question of "what can I do for you," is "hmmmm...not sure yet..."  Even with all the experience I have on chemotherapy and its effects, I don't know how it will affect me this time.  Different drugs, different job, different family life...everything is different than it was the last time.

But here's what I DO know.  You genuinely want to do something for me, and it will make YOU feel better to do something for me.  If you're my friend, you're an awesome person: I don't hang out with losers.  Because of your intrinsic awesomeness, my status as "cancer patient" will make you uncomfortable, and it's taken me two other experiences in this role to realize something very important:

My current situation will allow you to be your best self.

Of course, my gut reaction would be "oh, don't worry, I'll be fine."  I don't want you to worry about me or be a bother.  But guess what?  You're still going to worry, no matter what I say or do, and the best thing I can do for you is allow you to do something to resolve that uncomfortable part of your spirit by sharing your inner awesomeness.

Let me share a little known secret, though: most new cancer patients (or anyone facing a major life stressor for that matter) have no idea how you can help, because they have no real idea as to what they need.  We need you to just jump in and do something, and the best thing that YOU can do is something that is GENUINELY YOU.

This is my third go-round with cancer, but I've found myself in many other situations where I needed help (spinal fusion surgery, twin mama, etc...)  So here's my list of things that you could do for me that would make my life easier.  I don't want you to do them all--or necessarily any of them!  I want you to be you--and if you're reading this, you're doing what I need most--letting me tell my story.

1. Please take care of my loved ones.  I have a husband, 2 kids, and a set of parents, all of whom are worried and stressed.  I worry about them worrying about me.  Here are some ways you can do that.

• Get my husband out of the house.  He is being a major trooper and is allowing me to do pretty much whatever I want with whomever I want.  Take him out for a beer, take him to some guy movie that I'd never want to see...something.  The guy deserves a break.
• Invite my kids over or out to play with your kids.  They're pretty social creatures and they like meeting new people.  Evan is into anything Minecraft, he plays baseball, and he's full of energy that needs to be expelled.  Heather is an American Girl and Monster High lover, and really just likes anything girly, sparkly, and sweet.  
• Do something nice for my folks if you know them.  Really, they're being pretty good sports about this, but I'd be a disaster if my daughter was dealing with cancer for the third time.  

2.  Let's go out!  Assuming I'm feeling okay, let's go out--shopping, lunch, drinks, movies, whatever.  Let's keep life normal.  And I can use the distraction.

3.  Bring your kids over for a play date.  But you stay, too!  We can drink some wine, tea, watch a girly movie, or whatever while our mutual kids are entertaining each other.  Everyone wins that way--my kids are entertained and distracted, and we get some time together.

4.  If you're crafty, be crafty.  If you knit, make me a snuggy cap or warm socks.  If you sew, make me a cute hat, a little trinket...whatever.  If you like to do paper crafts, send me a handmade card.  Do you like to cook?  I love food.  I may lose my tastebuds for a while, but my goodness, my family will appreciate some creative cuisine for a change.  

5.  Pick up the phone and call.  Right now, my phone is ringing off the hook, but that will stop in a week or so.  I'd love to chat!

5.1 (A corollary to 5)  I don't want to just talk about me.  I want to hear about YOU.  Whatever's going on in your life is important to me.  Just because my issues may be a little tougher than your current issues doesn't mean that your feelings are unimportant to me.  If you had a bad day at work, tell me about it.  If I don't have it in me to listen, I promise I will tell you.  But otherwise, you are important to me.  Talk away.  I'm probably tired of talking about chemo!

6.  Forgive me if I forget details of what's going on with you.  I really care about you and want to stay on top of your life, but between the general stress of my situation and the drugs they're giving me, I may forget details...and those details may be important to you.

7.  Share my story.  Share my blog, share my story, spread the word.  In the past, I have shunned the attention--but darn it, cancer three times?  As a 25 year old AND as a mother of newborn twins?  Someone who has never had a mammogram or physician detect the lump but has found them herself?  Come on--we need to get the word out here.

8.  Do something for someone else.  Then tell me about it!  Remember, you're awesome, and I want you to share your awesomeness.  

9.  Don't ask, just do.  In general, I don't know from day-to-day what I'll need, or even what I want.  Just do.  Invite yourself over.  Invite me out.  Bring me whatever you want to bring me.  But don't just do it because you think I need it--I only want to you DO if you genuinely want to do.  You have other friends and family members and I have no expectations of you.

Friends, this can be a bummer of a time, or we can choose to use it as an excuse to do some things we've always wanted to do but never made time to do.  Illness and other traumas are a reminder that life is short.  Let's go live it!